It was early morning in Nigeria on this faithful Sunday - around January 2004. That day was important because it was the deadline for me to pay my application fee for graduate admission to McGill University, Canada. I already had the nudge of my prospective advisor (supervisor) to go ahead and apply. There was no proliferation of credit cards then. All-night efforts to get a company to help pay online failed. I placed a call to a former high school mate and a dear friend in Atlanta US. He and his wife spent the entire afternoon trying until they were successful. Without that payment, I probably would have lost that admission that year and the trajectory of my life could have been different...
After the admission was granted, I needed to pay for the Quebec Acceptance Certificate (CAQ) to complete my visa application. Another friend was the one who helped me. He paid my CAQ ($100 CDN) fee without asking me to refund him. It was a lot of money from the type of job he was doing then. He was working in an abattoir.... (No be today Japa people don dey see wen oh). Today, he has one of the largest private dental practice in his province in Canada and we remain friends.
Then came the time for me to apply for the visa after securing the CAQ. I needed to show proof that I had the money to sponsor myself aside from the support I was going to get from my employer then. It was a friend who had a flourishing Cyber Cafe installation business in Ibadan that gave me his account and obtained a sworn affidavit for me. He later helped to invest some of the money I had in preparation for the trip in his business and returned it on time with almost 60% interest in less than three months – in Nigeria from a friend, it was rare then and it is rare today. Another friend, who was a resident doctor in NY, also gave me his family’s statement of account. These were the evidence I provided for my visa approval... I got the visa, and the rest is history.
My brother was sick, he had osteomyelitis. He had been in a private hospital for several days without much improvement. I spoke to a friend who was a resident doctor at UCH on rotation at the emergency clinic. He asked me to bring him straight to the emergency clinic. He personally ensured that he received excellent treatment. He was discharged approximately 30 days after admission. My brother received personalized treatment; he did not lose his foot and he recovered fully. I do not know what would have happened to him if that friend had not stood up to offer help.
Some of us saw how the former Emir of Kano, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi wept uncontrollably on the podium eulogizing Wigwe, the late co-owner of Access Bank Nigeria. I think that speaks volumes to Nigerians about the country and the importance of friendship. First is that big guys who control the wealth of the nation know where they meet, even though they belong to different ethnic groups. They often use divide-and-conquer to continue to siphon our commonwealth or take advantage of the weak. It was alleged that without Sanusi who was the Central Bank Chief, Access Bank (a less capitalized bank) would never have been able to buy the troubled Intercontinental Bank in 2011/2012. The latter's financial crisis notwithstanding. This is like the story of a frog swallowing an elephant. More importantly is that Wigwe and Sanusi formed a bond where their friendship was a great asset in a time when life crisis was beyond what anyone could imagine for Sanusi, the deposed former Emir of Kano.
Over the years, I have ridden on the shoulders of friends at critical moments. I have tried to be the same for a lot of other people. The positive trajectory of my life and many milestones were aided by true friends. There are some friends I do not speak to again… some, the fault is mine. I have tried to amend when possible; in some cases, I have had to let go. I am not preaching that we must keep all our friends no matter what. There is a saying in the Yoruba language that – “Ogun omode kii s’ere f’ogun odun” – meaning that “20 children cannot be playmates for 20 years”. Something will separate you… you probably will grow apart from some friends because of distance and perhaps because your values have changed. In some cases, because the friendship has become one-sided. Only one person was calling all the time, and it appears the friendship has become a burden to the other party. I remember one friend I called in December 2011– he was a doctor and still is. I just left a clinic where my blood pressure was outrageously above the norm. I was told to go straight to the emergency. I called this friend and was visibly (audibly) worried, looking for advice and words of comfort. I told him what the urgent care doctor said... He just said, then you have to go, that was it. No empathy, nothing. I did go and was treated. This was the last time I heard from this friend... he never called me back; he never called to check if I was okay. We have not spoken since then… because I did not attempt to call again… I was the only one calling before then. No call came even after what I thought was a crisis. That was about 12 years ago...
The foundation of friendship should never be about what one can get out of it, right. It should never be transactional; otherwise, it will become burdensome. Having said this, a friend should be dependable. It will probably not cost you more than a few minutes to check on one you call a friend, especially when they are in need. It is not every friend who calls you that is looking for a handout. Some are just looking for someone to bear their mind, someone to tell them the hard truth, and someone to lay their burden on. The moment a friendship is one-sided, perhaps it is time to move on. There should be loyalty in friendship. You know your true friends in times of trouble. They stay with you when it is darkest. They tell you the truth that no one else will dare say... They give without expecting anything in return. The people who helped me during my Ph.D. admission journey, I do not remember them asking me for anything in return for their kindness at any time. It was 20 years ago. However, they have left an indelible mark that I have paid forward many times over.
A good friend:
- Will love you in spite of you. Will look out for you even when you do not listen to advice and are now facing the consequences of your stupidity.
- Will be there when they are needed.
- Will not abandon you because it is the convenient thing to do.
- Will respect boundaries. They will never want to force their will or wish on you. They will not disrespect or abandon you because you have made a choice that you think is best for you.
- Will always be honest with you and tell you the truth when everyone is doing otherwise.
Indeed, true friends are like family. What type of friend are you…?
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